Sunday, June 13, 2010

Darkness and Light


'Somehow the dark things reveal more about us. Perhaps in the end there is not all that much difference between darkness and light. The problem lies in our way of seeing.' ~ 'Before I Forget' by André Brink.

It was my desire to reconcile my darkness and my light. These two polarities within myself and my life, one joyful, one painful. Now I see that my darkness and my light are two sides of the same thing - two sides of my Being, two perspectives of my capacity to feel. They don't need to be reconciled, they are inseparable. My darkness obscured my light for a long time, an inner eclipse. The darkness gave birth to the light in me. The one creates the other, the one forgives the other, the one heals the other. I realise that everything I have lived before made it possible for this time of growth, acceptance, forgiveness and transformation to happen. I had to find the strength and will to acknowledge my darkness, to face it, to feel it. I now forgive my darkness, I accept it, I'm ready to heal it.

This joyful emergence of my authentic Self IS the healing of my pain, the beginning of the healing. The deeply felt, totally ingrained, lack of self-esteem and self-doubt - the dark and hopeless thoughts and feelings of unworthiness, of being unlovable and rejected and never being enough. They are limiting beliefs. I call these thoughts and feelings 'the blades', as they have been well-hidden sharp weapons I've used on my soul. These wounds are self-inflicted. I've repeatedly cut myself on them, each time I attract and create situations in my life that keep me in my pain vortex. The blades are closer to the surface now and are more accessible, as my capacity to feel widens and I heal. Perhaps they are becoming redundant, are they on their way to being healed? That is my hope.

The sanctity I feel in this moment of my journey - this sacred space, this deep breath I'm inhaling, taking the time to enjoy my decision to reveal (and no longer conceal) my beauty to the world - this unveiling of the spirit and celebration of the Self, however unnerving, could not be possible if I had not found the courage to travel through the steep, daunting pathway towards awakening, my own personal new dawn.

The light, although a happiness, can be blinding, it can feel bright and overwhelming, in contrast to the darkness I am used to. I know that the anxiety I feel embracing the emergence of my light is the presence of my darkness. I'm learning how to be present with both my darkness and my light simultaneously and make space for both of them, without judgment.

Everything at the perfect time.

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