Sunday, February 27, 2011
'The weight you are seeking to let go of was added to your Consciousness before it was added to your body. Your body is merely a screen onto which is projected the nature of your thoughts. When the weight is gone from your Consciousness, it will be gone from your physical experience. In asking God to remove the cause, you automatically remove the effect.'
'As you remember your own Divine Truth, the cells of your body remember theirs.'
Some beautiful thoughts on the spiritual work of weight loss from Marianne Williamson in her book ~ A Course in Weight Loss. This is the essential meaning of healing and a return to wholeness, especially when referring to the heaviness our souls carry and how our bodies reflect this back to us through weight gain and dis-ease.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
'One who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.'
~ William Faulkner
Another amazing and surprising meditation evening on Wednesday this week! The theme was letting go of aspects of ourselves that no longer serve our Highest Good. A tender pruning process, removing the parts of our psyche that have become redundant, like old branches of a tree ~ gentle yet profound.
This is my seventh group meditation (only seven!) and I am amazed at how this simple process has enriched my life and deepened my spiritual practice. I am awakening my Being and growing on all levels! Journeying through guided meditations where deeply personal and symbolic imagery is conjured up by an open mind and receptive soul can be so rewarding. The mind is fertile ground! My meditation practice has opened my heart to profound Truth! I am more in tune with my Being. Taking the time to find stillness and look within is a gift I give myself. I am finding resolution, answers and reassurance. I am tapping into my inner wisdom, touching my Source, accessing my Deepest Self. Meditation helps me to stay on the healing path. I am more focused, decisive, lighter, happier, less attached, more relaxed. I am opening my inner senses...
This meditation starts with our imagined safe place in nature. This time I wanted to preempt a waterfall (as a few fellow meditators did conjure up!) but instead I simply surrendered to what would appear to me and found myself falling through a hole into a deep cave (like Alice down the rabbit hole!) I land inside a magical amethyst crystal cave, a thin space between high walls made of purple precious stone, with amethyst stalactites and stalagmites reflecting healing light in every direction, a sliver of sky above. The floor of the cave is covered in shards of amethyst crystals. Sparkling quartz crystals surround me. I reach out and touch either wall of the cave, my feet completing a triangle of vibrating purple energy ~ I become a powerful conductor of healing violet light. There is a warm, energy vibration pulsating through my Being. To me, this imagery and symbolic colour signifies my spiritual progress, the change in my level of consciousness and my increasing intuition and contact with Pure Awareness. Purple is the colour of the seventh chakra ~ (seventh meditation ~ seventh chakra!) ~ the crown chakra ~ Sahasrara ~ the chakra of Oneness with God, wisdom and peace. Known as the supreme centre of contact with All That Is, the crown chakra is our connection to the timeless place of All-Knowing. When developed, this chakra brings us knowledge, wisdom, understanding, spiritual connection and bliss. I feel that I am developing this chakra, this aspect of my Being. The amethyst crystal is symbolic of spiritual wisdom, protection and healing. It all fits!
Lisa beckons us to notice of a shimmering gold and silver light ahead, the doorway into another time and space. I walk forward into the darkness of the cave, the sparkle of the crystals dimming until I find myself in a spacious and minimal African-Zen garden, bathed in bright sunlight with a wide expanse of blue sky above. There are wooden decks, different coloured gravels, stones, giant natural granite rock sculptures and tufts of indigenous grasses, all laid out with precision and restraint. It is a peaceful place ~ clean, ordered and calming. It reminds me that there is unspeakable beauty in simplicity. This garden is significant to me as it symbolises my appreciation of a simpler life. It is a representation of the peace I am finding in my grieving process and the space I am making to hold my emotions with more capacity, self-awareness, understanding and forgiveness. It feels wide open and freeing.
Lisa asks that we examine our garden carefully for signs of decay or for areas that need improvement. I feel that I would like to remove some stones that somehow seem out of place. I start by picking up a few off-colour small stones, then some stray pebbles and toss them off the pristine gravel. I notice a heavy granite boulder that looks too cumbersome for the space. I would like to make more space here. This heavy granite boulder is the seemingly immovable rock of FEAR. It has been here a long time. It represents my fear of a lack of financial security and how I have struggled with feeling worthy of prosperity. I push this monolith, finding the inner strength to roll it off the gravel of my Zen garden. It is very heavy, it is challenging but can be done. What was immovable becomes movable, just like the healing of my health and my heart, this is progress. I feel that I am accomplishing great changes here. I am moving mountains. I hear words spoken clearly: 'YOU WILL BE PROVIDED FOR.' Removing the rock has created a clearing, an empty crater in the gravel garden space. I decide to fill it with water, to make a pond. This is cleansing. Birds gather, then dragonflies flit above the pond. I notice all forms of life descending into my garden around my new pond ~ there are fish swimming in the water, bees buzzing around, butterflies flapping their wings, hovering. There are a few squirrels and cats approaching. These sentient Beings form a circle around me, we co-exist peacefully and harmoniously. I feel that I am the giver of Life. I am creating a harmonious environment, improving it. I can see that this is symbolic of me creating a new stage of life for myself, moving into a new phase of abundant healing and living. My life is more harmonious and reflects love back to me as I open my heart. This moment is beautiful and meaningful.
Lisa asks that we notice a tree in our garden. Mine is a perfectly central tree, the focal point of the symmetrical, minimal garden layout. I see an immense African baobab tree, with a wide, sturdy trunk and branches that look like roots reaching up to heaven. It has such presence, it is majestic with organic clean lines. This tree is me. This is our opportunity to examine ourselves in the form of a tree, to remove old branches that have become redundant and no longer serve us. I do remove a branch that is dying. This dead wood represents my need to cling to the illusion of control. I desire to be free of this need, to let go and trust Life. We get to ask ourselves how often we acknowledge our own strength, beauty and resilience? We get to see ourselves in all our tree glory! I know this tree! I wrap my arms around my trunk and place my cheek against my bark, it is like elephant hide, ancient and thick. I am wise, strong and powerful, I am so entrenched ~ I am a forever tree. I am grounded, with a well-established root system. I am serene. My tree is African. African folklore reminds us that the baobab is the abode of powerful spirits, serving as a natural shrine. I am humbled to be in the presence of my eternal tree of Life. I feel surprised at the size, strength, permanence and power of my tree. It makes me happy. I feel strong, I feel my own power. A cacophony of birdsong draws my attention to the upper reaches of my tree branches ~ they are filled with birds chirping, singing and flitting around my branches. Vibrant and alive!
We chose two angel cards after the meditation. I selected: 'PEACE ~ Embrace your confusion ~ let there be peace in not knowing all the answers.' Ah, peace. Another reference to peace, the first being the strong reference to the crown chakra. I can interpret this as learning to just allow Life to unfold peacefully, relinquishing the anguish of trying to control everything. I also selected: 'ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL ~ I am helping you heal physical challenges in yourself and others. You are a healer, like me.' I am definitely fully involved in some significant physical healing of my body at this moment but there is deeper meaning here... This is the second time I received a message from Raphael this week, the first being earlier in the week when I heard an angel reading on Hay House Radio which inspired me to look up the significance of Archangel Raphael, who's name means 'God heals'. Am I a healer to others? I have had two situations which have transpired in my life recently where I have taken the opportunity to offer my support and love to two people who are facing deeply painful and confusing challenges on their healing journeys. I can be an angel to them as they have been to me, I can offer them healing energy in return. A gift freely given as received.
An awe-inspiring meditation experience with vivid imagery that sprung from an authentic wellspring of deep KNOWING. I am going deeper still! I am starting to see clear messages and symbols that are so inspiring and meaningful to me. Thank you, thank you.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
'Remind yourself that you don't have to be in charge - that, in fact, it's impossible for you to be in charge. The Nameless Force, which Lao Tzu calls the Tao, moves everything, so your continual argument with it only causes dissatisfaction.' ~ Change your Thoughts, Change your Life by
Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
As we grow up, many of us are taught that in order to achieve success or fulfill a goal, we have to work hard, push ourselves past resistance and face challenges head on. While discipline and the ability to follow through is extremely valuable, there is also great value in letting things be EASY ~ in trusting that everything is unfolding as it should be and that the right answers, solutions and ideas will come to us if we stop trying so hard! Let's consciously choose an easier way of life! Let's give up the illusion of control. Let's be gentle with ourselves, let Life unfold, learn to let go of stress and struggle, let the Universe handle the details, trust and just flow with Life!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
'Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the Phoenix.'
~ Christina Baldwin
Meditation group last Wednesday was a very different experience for me. Firstly, it was held in a new venue, a beautiful, peaceful Zen studio in a fashionable suburb on a tree-lined street. Secondly, we had the privilege of welcoming three new meditators and their energies into the meditation circle. Thirdly, I am feeling a shift, processing some profound healing which effects body and soul ~ all these brought newness to the experience. I had an unexpected breakthrough during this meditation, something about it's theme, content, imagery and message touched something deep within me and I had a profound reaction ~ tears!
The theme was REBIRTH, focusing on the process of transformation. We became the mythical Phoenix bird who remains awake through the fires of change, rises from the ashes of death and is reborn into a most vibrant and enlightened Self. We simultaneously let go of what no longer serves our highest good and rebirth ourselves to the mystery of the More.
Lisa starts the session with our usual body relaxation meditation and chakra balancing. As early as this, I hear the word: 'LISTEN'. I notice this as I do all the sounds, thoughts and sensations that come up during the meditation, allowing them to pass across my mind like clouds across the sky.
Then counting backwards slowly from three to one, Lisa invites us to find ourselves in a safe place in nature, somewhere we've been before or are creating in our minds. I found myself in a new place, a beautiful, lush rose garden ~ a low stone wall to sit on, surrounded by thousands of dewy roses, buds and open ones, roses of all colours, tangled thorny branches, growing wild, a overpowering heady fragrance of flowers and damp earth. We notice a pink shimmer on the horizon and forge a pathway towards it. We arrive in an enchanted forest, notice a clearing, a sacred circle of stones so beautiful, they look like crystals. We see a strong fire in the centre of the circle, a bonfire with flames that lick the sky.
We enter the circle. We sense our guardian angel or spirit guide nearby to assist us in this process. We know there needs to be a death, a cleanse to make way for a rebirth. I can feel the heat of the fire but I am not afraid, I am accepting of what comes next. We notice that our bodies have revealed themselves as that of a bird. Lisa asks us to examine our bird-bodies and feel what this bird-body feels like, what colour are our feathers, what is our wingspan? What kind of bird are we? I see a large, powerful eagle-like bird, my feathers are the colour of fire, red, orange, yellow. I am defensive and sharp, I can be vicious. I am strong and masculine-energy dominant. Lisa asks us to step into the flames, knowing that this is a cleansing process for our souls. We ask ourselves what it is about our Beings that no longer serves us, what are we symbolically purging to the flames? What are we burning? I am making an offering of my negative body image and self-doubt, banishing limiting beliefs about my lack of desirability. I am burning my need for keeping myself isolated, the loneliness I feel, the depression, the way my self-imposed isolation has protected me from having to share myself and risking rejection. We peacefully burn this aspect of ourselves, until the fire has died down and we are just a pile of ashes on the ground. Our guide is always present with us. My guide shows itself to me as only a pair of eyes, kind, loving eyes, a nurturing presence that feels so familiar. Our guides draw our attention to an egg on the ground. I see pale blue, fragile speckled little egg. We witness a miracle. The egg cracks and our new Being emerges, the enlightened Self, the cleansed Self. We are imagining our rebirth. We are hatching and are ready to face this world! Lisa asks us to experience our new bird-bodies, what do we look and feel like? I see that my feathers are made of pale blue shimmering light. My feathers are downy and soft, so soft. I am a nurturing, feminine angel bird. I am beautiful. I exude gentleness, calm and feminine energy. This is the grand ceremony of the emergence of my femininity. Lisa asks that we let go and launch into flight, revel in our new freedom. I soar high above the scene of the sacred circle, the black fire pit, my guide energy, the forest below. It is such a rare, precious moment ~ so uplifting, reassuring and freeing. I feel so feminine and so powerful, a new strength. I feel the presence of my Mom and recall her message to me during Lisa's crossover work a few weeks ago: 'Fly, my child, just fly.' This meditation fits so beautifully into that analogy of my healing journey and the message of my Mom's love and support from the other side. I am brought to tears at this point, overcome with emotion. I feel the tears welling up from within and I don't deny them, I go with it. Gentle tears well up under closed eyelids and fall silently down my cheeks. This is not crying as I know it, it almost doesn't hurt ~ these tears are calm and cleansing, these are healing tears. I hear the clearly spoken word: 'LISTEN'.
I see a strong parallel in this imagery and my healing journey. A major part of my healing is about addressing and balancing my masculine and feminine energies, correcting the imbalance of masculine-dominance and suppression of my feminine and resultant manifestation of my dis-ease. I have experienced a profound emergence of my feminine energy, all the while learning to accept and value my masculine energy. I am learning to appreciate how my masculine-dominance has served me in my past, there are no rights and wrongs, there just IS. The 'death' of the sharp and strong masculine eagle-like bird and the rebirth of the angelic feminine bird that exhibits her strength through her softness is truly symbolic for me. Soft is strong! I am making space now to hold both energies equally and live with this fragile equilibrium. An easy, graceful motion of filling and emptying, a conversation between them is emerging, each making themselves available as I need them, a balancing of yin/yang and hard and soft.
This experience is so reminiscent for me of one of the many influential books I've devoured on this journey: 'Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow' by Elizabeth Lesser, the co-founder and senior advisor of the Omega Institute. She talks in this book about what she calls the 'Phoenix Process' ~ how spiritual awakenings and transformations can come from pain, suffering and loss. Here is a quote from her:
'I am fascinated by what it takes to stay awake in difficult times. I marvel at what we do in times of transition ~ how we resist, how we surrender, how we stay stuck and how we grow. Since my first major broken-open experience - my divorce - I have been an observer and a confidante of others as they engage with the forces of their own suffering. I have made note of how fiasco and failure visit each one of us, as if they were written into the job description of being human. I have seen people crumble in times of trouble, lose their spirit and never fully recover. I have seen others protect themselves fiercely from any kind of change, until they are living a half lie, safe yet stunted. I've tried both ways: I have gone back to sleep in order to resist the forces of change. And I have stayed awake and been broken open.'
So synchronistic to mine and many other journeys!
The angel card I selected after the meditation comes to a close is: ADRIANA ~ ' I am leading you toward the answer to your prayers. Please LISTEN to and follow the steps I am communicating through your intuition, thoughts and dreams.' I am listening deeply... it took a few days to process what was broken open here, to mourn what was purged and celebrate what was reborn.
I was still very emotional when it came time to share our experience of the meditation with the group. Lisa said she is seeing an allowing, a trusting and an openness, a willingness to show my vulnerability and share my truth. Growth indeed! Thank you to Lisa and to our growing group of meditators, may we stay fully awake while we heal ourselves and may our souls soar to new heights!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
'The shift begins in the process of halting the momentum and self-importance of the ego. Then we must proceed with the work of derailing and rerouting it in the opposite direction. This doesn’t mean we lose our drive; rather, it signifies that our drive is realigned with a life based on experiencing meaning and feeling purposeful.'
~ Dr. Wayne Dyer
Saturday, February 19, 2011
'Today may there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.' ~ Anonymous
Friday, February 18, 2011
'When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.' ~ Kahlil Gibran
'You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore' ~ Tibetan Proverb
This one's for you, Mom. I love you.
It's taken me quite a while to land after the most profound healing experience I have EVER had ~ my healing session with Lisa on Friday three weeks ago today. I have needed to take time and make space to process what I experienced ~ on all levels ~ physical, emotional and spiritual. Intense physical healing ~ Reiki energy work with the body, a massive emotional shift ~ a cracking open of my deep well of grief, so that it could flow freely and release the pressure I had built up within myself and a profound spiritual awakening ~ a message of reassurance, support and love from beyond, a 'conversation' with my precious Mom, who came through so easily, my own angel guides allowing seamless access to her energy in Lisa's crossover work. I touched the Spirit world! An experience so beautiful, so angelic, so moving, so deep and profound, it is simply beyond words ~ one of my happiest and saddest moments woven inextricably together.
The pain of my grief and the joy of welcoming my Mom into a sacred communion of souls was overwhelming and yet just felt so right, so meant to be. The perfect time, I am ready. Ready to truly face the depth of my grief, not be afraid of it, to see it for what it is, the truth of it, take responsibility for my own grieving process, in whatever form it has taken, make room for it, hold it, feel it. Prepare to release it. There is no grief without love. The depth of my grief reflects the depth of my love. I now make space to feel them both. Really feel them.
The session began in Lisa's treatment room, with a tender discussion between us about my intentions for healing mind, body and soul, my family history, medical history and my healing journey, the state of my physical, emotional and spiritual well-being, past and present. I shared some aspects of my relationship with my Mom and the significant hole that was left in my life when I lost her. I brought two items of my Mom's along with me, in the hope that it would welcome her energy into our work and somehow encourage her to come through ~ a note my Mom wrote to me a long time ago that I have framed and her old prayer box, a quaint little decorative box filled with neatly rolled Christian prayer scrolls. Lisa put these items on display, next to us.
I lay down on the Reiki bed, Lisa said I could relax my body, still my mind. If I fall asleep and my Mom comes through, she would wake me gently. Lisa then begins her 'tuning in', first working with her hands raised above my body, head to toe ~ deeply healing energy work. I felt relaxed and warm. I could feel a presence and a pressure at my feet, as if someone was laying their hands on the top of my feet very gently, even though Lisa was at my head. She then held my head in her hands for what seemed like a long while, I went very limp and heavy with painful tingling in my arms and my face. Lisa goes into trance-like state, she requires absolute silence to do so, communicating with her Reiki guides, my guides and whichever spirit Beings come through with messages. Then she said: 'Okay, there's a lady sitting next to me paging through a magazine, did your Mom like magazines?' Yes! She used to call magazines her 'books'... 'no-one touch my books until I've read them!' Lisa said this woman has dark wavy hair, she is a large woman, did she also have an issue with her weight? Oh, yes! 'I think she is here with us', says Lisa. A torrent of tears, deep sobs, a heavy chest and difficulty breathing. My heart beating wildly in my chest. Then a torrent of communication...
She is so, so proud of me, so proud. She acknowledges my healing journey, I have come such a long way, she sees so much growth in my life. She knows it's been difficult for me, she can see my pain and my grief. She says: 'You have to take the good with the bad in life' ~ SO my Mom! Now it's time to fly, my child, just fly! You are ready. She shows Lisa a picture of a little bird, a human with wings standing on tiptoes, about to launch into flight. If you need support to spread your wings, I'll be here for you. (I am weeping with a newly broken heart AND unspeakable joy, such a deep sense of KNOWING, I know this, I know you, I miss you.)
Lisa gets a very accurate reading of my Mom's character. Of generous proportions in every way, larger than life, welcoming, loving, with an infectious laugh. She is creative. A very traditional homemaker who took so much pride in her home and in caring for her family. Cooking, baking, sewing, icing her wedding cakes. She loved details, I inherited this from her. She was very open-minded and ahead of her generation in many ways. She was the matriarch, a very strong woman. She kept everybody on an even keel, balanced us all. She is a deep person (like me), she takes things very much to heart (like me), she is serious (like me), she is very bright-minded and felt misunderstood. She is sensitive and intuitive. I am very like her but am equally my own woman. (She is very adamant about this!)
My Mom says she has worked on her Being so much on the other side, she has come a long way herself. She is studying the healing arts. I can see a parallel with my own journey and spiritual awakening. I have always felt that I was Divinely guided to start this journey, gently accompanied and influenced by my Mom ~ as I always was ~ just now from another dimension. I have had angels on Earth guiding and supporting me and an angel watching over me in the ether. She gave me a healing tip... Lisa asks: 'Do you have a blue glass?' I do! I have a set of blue glasses with gold stars that my sister gave me when I moved into my home. Mom says take this glass and fill it halfway with mineral water, set it down on a sunny spot, so the sun can infuse the water with blue light. You can add a washed crystal to the water if you like. Drink this water once a day for about one or two weeks. It has anti-inflammatory properties. Wow! Needless to say, I have been doing my daily blue glass/water ritual. I call it my 'angel water'. Sometimes my cat takes a few sips of angel water while it is infusing! I am happy to share the magic.
My Mom is happy now, so happy. She wants me to know that she LOVED her life. If she had to do everything over again, she would keep everything exactly as it was, the cancer, everything. She values it all. She has perspective now. She says this time we have together on Earth is so precious, these moments of true human connection are treasures for us to keep. You miss those treasures when you are on the other side. She says she was loved deeply and was deeply loved, that she is grateful for this. It was all meant to be just as it was, as it IS. She says her death enabled me to move ahead with my life in my own way ~ now you are your own woman. I knew you would be just fine. She says she knows that our close bond stifled my development. (I became too dependent on her emotionally, I never developed the need to look outside of our mother-daughter relationship for nurturing and didn't learn self-nurturance, in part from her example of self-sacrifice and depletion. She was my primary relationship. I am still learning what it is to trust my own heart and to open myself up to others.) She acknowledges this smothering. She says I was that for her too ~ you were also MY escape from facing certain things. I know that I lived my life through my kids, I felt that if I could raise you well, then my life meant something, through you my life had purpose and meaning. But all is as it was meant to be. You were a gift to me, our time together was a wonderful gift. Remember our bond is eternal, for eternity, it exceeds time and space.
I see you all the time. I peek in at random times, then slip away, so as not to interfere. When you call me and can feel me around you, I am there. I hear you when you talk to me, most of the time. (MOST of the time? Laughs! Are you so busy over there, Mom?) I'm busy over here, it's wonderful. I see you in your dreams very strongly. When I died, the shock and grief was all yours. For us it's as before, I stayed around. We can see you and be near you whenever we feel like it, for you it's different, you miss me and feel the pain of loss but I'll always see you in your dreams. I am still here for you. (I miss you, Mom.) I know, I miss you too.
Lisa asks: 'Does she tickle your toes?' (When I was little! She would do it now if she could!) My sweet Mom was a toucher, a hugger. I miss that. Ah, Mama!
She knows my guilt about our very last conversation. In my fear and turmoil, not saying the three words I wanted and needed so much to say. She also says she was a witness to Lisa and my discussion prior to the session and knows it has weighed very heavily on my heart. (I know now that I did all I could do with the capacity I had then and I accept this.) She says THAT is the absolute last thing you should be worrying about! It's your overly active need for being responsible for everything! (You know me so well.) I know beyond words that you loved me. It's time to move on.
She says she loves that I framed the note she wrote to me ~ that's what it's for, to reassure you! Read it as often as you need to.
She says get a flower box! You need it. (Do you mean the box with embroidered flowers on the lid that I keep my daily affirmation cards in?) No! A real flower box, like a window box... I have been planning to plant a flower box for outside my front door for the longest while. How could she know? (She knows, of course she knows.) She says I need more flowers around me. Surrounding yourself with flowers will bring you so much joy, just like flowers brought me joy. Lisa asks if she had an indoor garden? Yes! She had a rockery filled with potted plants and African violets. She loved them. I know this message has deeper meaning... A few years ago, I used to buy roses for myself every few weeks, my home was always filled with flowers. Then when I chose to down-size and simplify my life (through the recession), I really only bought a bouquet of flowers on my Mom's birthday, the anniversary of her death and most recently, for my own birthday. I know that she wants me to buy myself flowers all the time, not just in honour of her, but in honour of me. This is so like her.
She shows Lisa a beautiful vision of me turning an old key in a lock of a large, heavy door. I push the door open into a big, spacious room, immaculate with white-washed walls and shiny wooden floors, a wall of windows which reveal a green wall of ivy. Sunlight streaming in and a grand piano in the centre of the room. Lisa says this may be my next home or it could be symbolic of entering a new stage in my life. A beautiful, clear space of light, love, music, harmony and abundance.
She shows Lisa us painting. Very detailed paintings. When I worked as an illustrator and still lived at home, a few years before she was diagnosed, we would spend every day sitting together at the dining room table and she would keep me company while I did my paintings. I illustrated artwork for greeting cards and gift wrap ~ very detailed, intricate designs. (She loved them and would show everybody!) I would let her add a few brush strokes. We would have tea and listen to the radio together and talk and talk. I think her mentioning detailed paintings is a reference to this special time.
She shows Lisa a baby. It is unclear whether it's for me or my sister (for both of us?) She says there will be a baby in a while (In a while, Mom? What is a while? Laughs...) 3-4 years, remember time is very different here to your perception of time. My Mom says she is so glad to see that these days we have so much freedom and it is accepted to live outside of old norms. I support your decisions to make your own way in the world, to write your own story, live your way, do what makes you happy, she says. I want you to just be happy. (I have always felt inclined to follow a non-traditional life path. I don't believe that marriage ~ or a heterosexual partnership ~ is a prerequisite to having a child. I believe that love is love and you can create your own family and/or be perfectly whole, content and fulfilled without one, if that is your choice... My question marks about these decisions for myself are something I wrestle with on this journey. My Mom was letting me know that she sees this and supports me regardless of the outcome.) I love this.
Lisa asks if I have any questions for my Mom? (Questions?! I didn't know I could ask questions! I have about a million...!!) In the moment I just asked the two most immediate and authentic ones: When you died, was it painful, or was it peaceful, were you welcomed and did you see your Dad? The answer ~ 'My darling, at that stage, there is no such thing as pain, there is only LOVE and FORGIVENESS.' Another question: Are you okay? The answer ~ 'I am so, so much more than okay!' (Floods, and I mean floods of tears...)
When it naturally became time to 'sign-off' and leave my Mom 'for now' or 'until the next time', she was so light and breezy about visiting again. I'll be here, see you next time...! Bye for now! I felt no clinging, no fear, no second death, just a peace that came over me, an angelic presence. This is not the end, there are no endings, there never were.
The physical and emotional effects of this work are amazing. After the session I felt tired, totally and utterly worn out, drained, as if I was waking up from an anesthetic. Then I felt high as a kite, happy, walking on air and non-belief, I felt bewildered. Then that evening I completely crashed, I felt an overwhelming sadness, I grieved intensely, I cried for two days. After that I felt lighter, freer and peaceful. Above all, I feel a deep sense of REASSURANCE. That death can be beautiful, the greatest adventure our Creator has planned for us. That there is nothing to be afraid of. That my Mom is okay and still very much with me. She is happy and wants me to be! Three weeks later I still have moments of all these sensations and emotions. Writing this post brought it all back. I simply couldn't 'publish' until I had processed this enough to do so. Processes are like that, they take time. I will continue this healing work with Lisa, at a pace that works for me.
My love and gratitude to Lisa for creating a space for this intense and personal work that is so accepting, loving, sacred, safe and nurturing. Thank you for working with me, for being a witness to the bursting dam of my grief, sprinkled with unexpected laughter through my tears and the spectacular unfolding of my healing heart.
A final note: When I arrived home after this ground-breaking, heart-breaking day of elation, my cat responded very weirdly to me entering my house. She ran away from me, wide-eyed and skittish (SO not like her, she loves, loves, loves me!) My sister says perhaps my guides were still very evident around me and Pistachio was wondering who all these strange Beings were with me. Who is this crowd? Lisa says it is because my energy had shifted and she picked it up. A clever girl! What an energy-shifting, consciousness-awakening, soul-stirring experience through and through. I'm so, so grateful.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
'To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.' ~ Oscar Wilde
'Our first and last love is self-love.' ~ Christian Nestell Bovee
'Love heals me. I centre my thoughts on love and forgiveness, for myself and others.' ~ Louise L. Hay
'If you find it difficult to accept love and let love into your life, it's only because you haven't been willing to love YOU. Open your heart to yourself and it will become easier to let others love you.' ~ Louise L. Hay
I am learning to be my own Valentine, hold MYSELF in my highest esteem. I am unraveling the knots of my own limiting beliefs and insecurities about love, relationships and sexuality. I am growing in my body awareness and self-forgiveness. I am cultivating new, positive soul-healing ways to nurture and love myself. I am creating my own sacred ceremony of self-love, self-acceptance and self-acknowledgment, being grateful for who I am, all of me. I celebrate for me, this Valentine's Day ~ my healing body, my lighter heart, my unfolding soul, my developing consciousness and my emerging connection to my Source. Happy Valentine's Day!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
'Your body is the ground metaphor of your life... It is your bible, your encyclopedia, your life story.' ~ Gabrielle Roth
'The body knows.' ~ Caroline Sutherland
'The body registers everything we eat, everything we think, everything we say and everything we've lost.'
~ From 'When Hungry, Eat' by Joanne Fedler
Saturday, February 12, 2011
'It is not menstrual blood which disturbs the imagination ~ unstaunchable as that red flood may be ~ but rather the albumen in the blood, the uterine shreds, placental jellyfish of the female sea. This is the chthonian matrix from which we rose. We have an evolutionary revulsion to slime, our site of biological origins. Each month, it is a woman's fate and privilege to face the abyss of time and Being, the abyss which is herself.' ~ Camille Paglia
Today I feel privileged to experience this red flood. I am so happy to see it arrive at the perfect time. My magical cycle! I rejoice in my womanhood, my Goddesshood, my healing. I face the abyss of time and Being and feel connected to everything. I am humbled.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
'Do you know how beautiful you are?
I think not, my dear.
For as you talk of God,
I see great parades with wildly colourful bands
Streaming from your mind and heart.
Carrying wonderful and secret messages
To every corner of this world.
I see saints bowing in the mountains
Hundreds of miles away.
To the wonder of sounds
That break into light
From your most common words.
Speak to me of your mother,
Your cousins and your friends.
Tell me of squirrels and birds you know.
Awaken your legion of nightingales.
Let them soar wild and free in the sky.
And begin to sing to God.
Let's all begin to sing to God!
Do you know how beautiful you are?
I think not, my dear.
Could set you upon a stage
And worship you forever!' ~ Hafiz
What a way to close a meditation! Read in the beautiful, deep, soothing voice of Davidji ~ Day 15 of the Chopra Centre's 21 Day Meditation Challenge.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
I had another wonderful, moving meditation evening with Lisa on Wednesday this week. We did a co-creation manifestation meditation, confirming our connection to God/Goddess/All That Is and a meeting of my Highest Self, conjuring what this Being looks and feels like, touching this essential part of ourselves. We explored how we can live through this intrinsic part of us and let our Highest Good lead our lives. It was an amazing opportunity to meditate on how I see my life through the eyes of my Highest Self, the God/Goddess within, what I desire my life to look and feel like. To take the time to ask my most essential Self: What do I really want? To look deep within, be still and see what emerges, what images, what emotions, what sensations ~ what messages I receive about where I'm going and where else I COULD go. All the possibilities! It was a waking dream of Life, like reading a love letter my soul is writing to me, like hearing my own heart song. A beautiful and meaningful glimpse at my deepest desires ~ pictures and feelings of the life I am discovering I want for myself, how this journey is revealing what I would like to manifest in my life.
The meditation starts with an imagined safe place, a sacred clearing in a lush forest, a circle of smooth river stones, the centre of the circle beckoning for us to step in. A warm, green light beaming down into the sacred circle from the trees overhead, the colour of the heart chakra. I feel that this is a safe, peaceful place of love and harmony. Once I step inside, mist forms and starts to swirl in a light breeze, gaining momentum until it suddenly clears, revealing the Being of my Highest Self before me. I saw a tall, large Being ~ a powerful, semi-opaque, angelic presence, I felt wings and white feathers, felt rather than saw them. The Being was beautiful, it had light-filled gossamer skin, flowing garments, golden, like fairy wings. Lisa asked us to maintain eye contact, I didn't do this, I closed my eyes, for me it was more feeling than seeing. The Being and I touched foreheads, a merging of energy. I felt myself filled with peaceful, loving, nurturing, mothering energy. Lisa then asked that we merge with our Highest Selves and see our lives through their (our) eyes. I turned and wrapped the Being around my back and shoulders, in a cosmic full-body hug, until I was totally merged within the golden light. My Highest Self showed me my deepest desires, an abundant flow of images, aspects of myself that have been dormant, lying deep in my heart, I saw what I would like to manifest.
Beautiful, brief vignettes of such beauty ~ I saw a warmly lit kitchen, abundant, fresh food ~ apples, berries, something baking. A rosy-cheeked little girl playing in autumn leaves outside the door. A koi fish pond, wooden decking, a serene garden where I am working on a laptop, birdsong, bees buzzing, the fragrance of flowers surround me and I am smiling. I saw myself leaning on the shoulder of a strong, kind man, he is wearing a wool jumper, I feel safe and snug, happy. I was walking by the sea. I saw windows with golden sunlight streaming in. And most of all strong feelings of peaceful satisfaction, milky, sweet, real, toasty, cosy, warm feeling of love and home. Abundance, love and peace. So hopeful.
The angel card I selected read: 'Isaiah ~ It's a good time to give birth to new ideas and situations in your life. I am watching over you, guiding you and protecting you during these changes.'
A message of Divine protection and a profound experience to be introduced to my Highest Self, see and feel my God/Goddess within, touch All That Is and be shown these authentic, heart-warming snippets of a fulfilled life. A waking dream of Life, my very own heart song I didn't even know existed deep within.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
You are inside of me.
Within my every breath,
within each bird, each mighty mountain.
Your sweet touch reaches everything
and I am well protected.
Thank you God,
for this beautiful day before me.
May joy, love, peace and compassion
be part of my life
and all those around me on this day.
I am healing and I am healed.
A Prayer for Healing ~ from 'The Complete Book of Ayurvedic Home Remedies' by Vasant Lad
Friday, February 4, 2011
I accept this moment and the next. I choose acceptance. I accept change, how each moment transforms to the next. Accepting the inevitability of change doesn’t mean that we relinquish our desires or wallow in situations that we have the power to change. Instead, I focus on the present while letting go of resistance and discovering the freedom to respond creatively to how my life unfolds, moment to moment.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
'One of the most powerful teachings is a set of ancient Sanskrit sutras or master sayings called the Mahavakyas. One of these master sayings is 'TAT TVAM ASI' (pronounced taht t’vahm AH-see) meaning 'I AM THAT'.
It is the principle that we are each an extricable part of a Universal energy field and that everything we see is an expression of ourselves. We are everything around us: the light, the dark; the happy, the sad; the weak, the powerful. We are Divinely whole, so in every moment we carry all the parts of that whole. The parts we don’t resonate with or the parts we reject are known as our shadow side, our dark side. Rather than reject these aspects of our self, we have the opportunity to accept them, embrace them and better understand them.
In today’s meditation, we will take a TAT TVAM ASI journey into nature as we trek into a beautiful secret forest. In each moment we are reminded: TAT TVAM ASI... I am that. I am all aspects of the world ~ the ocean rolling below, the streaming ribbon of highway, birds and helicopters, sound and silence, activity and stillness.
When you complete your meditation and go about your day, whenever you are about to judge something, anything, remind yourself ~ I AM THAT. The energy you were placing on judgment can be re-directed to more creative expressions of who you are.
I am that, you are that, and we all are ultimately that. Namaste.'
Excerpt from the Chopra Centre's 21 Day Meditation Challenge ~ Day 8
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
'We do not believe in ourselves until it is revealed that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.'
~ e.e. cummings
It's a beautiful thing to share my authentic Self, be open and revel in this pure, honest state of Being. I speak my truth. I surprise myself at the layers I'm revealing to those I am learning to trust. I realise the power of revealing. It is very freeing to say 'this is the real me' and truly believe that 'the real me is enough'.