Friday, February 18, 2011
Fly, My Child
'When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.' ~ Kahlil Gibran
'You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore' ~ Tibetan Proverb
This one's for you, Mom. I love you.
It's taken me quite a while to land after the most profound healing experience I have EVER had ~ my healing session with Lisa on Friday three weeks ago today. I have needed to take time and make space to process what I experienced ~ on all levels ~ physical, emotional and spiritual. Intense physical healing ~ Reiki energy work with the body, a massive emotional shift ~ a cracking open of my deep well of grief, so that it could flow freely and release the pressure I had built up within myself and a profound spiritual awakening ~ a message of reassurance, support and love from beyond, a 'conversation' with my precious Mom, who came through so easily, my own angel guides allowing seamless access to her energy in Lisa's crossover work. I touched the Spirit world! An experience so beautiful, so angelic, so moving, so deep and profound, it is simply beyond words ~ one of my happiest and saddest moments woven inextricably together.
The pain of my grief and the joy of welcoming my Mom into a sacred communion of souls was overwhelming and yet just felt so right, so meant to be. The perfect time, I am ready. Ready to truly face the depth of my grief, not be afraid of it, to see it for what it is, the truth of it, take responsibility for my own grieving process, in whatever form it has taken, make room for it, hold it, feel it. Prepare to release it. There is no grief without love. The depth of my grief reflects the depth of my love. I now make space to feel them both. Really feel them.
The session began in Lisa's treatment room, with a tender discussion between us about my intentions for healing mind, body and soul, my family history, medical history and my healing journey, the state of my physical, emotional and spiritual well-being, past and present. I shared some aspects of my relationship with my Mom and the significant hole that was left in my life when I lost her. I brought two items of my Mom's along with me, in the hope that it would welcome her energy into our work and somehow encourage her to come through ~ a note my Mom wrote to me a long time ago that I have framed and her old prayer box, a quaint little decorative box filled with neatly rolled Christian prayer scrolls. Lisa put these items on display, next to us.
I lay down on the Reiki bed, Lisa said I could relax my body, still my mind. If I fall asleep and my Mom comes through, she would wake me gently. Lisa then begins her 'tuning in', first working with her hands raised above my body, head to toe ~ deeply healing energy work. I felt relaxed and warm. I could feel a presence and a pressure at my feet, as if someone was laying their hands on the top of my feet very gently, even though Lisa was at my head. She then held my head in her hands for what seemed like a long while, I went very limp and heavy with painful tingling in my arms and my face. Lisa goes into trance-like state, she requires absolute silence to do so, communicating with her Reiki guides, my guides and whichever spirit Beings come through with messages. Then she said: 'Okay, there's a lady sitting next to me paging through a magazine, did your Mom like magazines?' Yes! She used to call magazines her 'books'... 'no-one touch my books until I've read them!' Lisa said this woman has dark wavy hair, she is a large woman, did she also have an issue with her weight? Oh, yes! 'I think she is here with us', says Lisa. A torrent of tears, deep sobs, a heavy chest and difficulty breathing. My heart beating wildly in my chest. Then a torrent of communication...
She is so, so proud of me, so proud. She acknowledges my healing journey, I have come such a long way, she sees so much growth in my life. She knows it's been difficult for me, she can see my pain and my grief. She says: 'You have to take the good with the bad in life' ~ SO my Mom! Now it's time to fly, my child, just fly! You are ready. She shows Lisa a picture of a little bird, a human with wings standing on tiptoes, about to launch into flight. If you need support to spread your wings, I'll be here for you. (I am weeping with a newly broken heart AND unspeakable joy, such a deep sense of KNOWING, I know this, I know you, I miss you.)
Lisa gets a very accurate reading of my Mom's character. Of generous proportions in every way, larger than life, welcoming, loving, with an infectious laugh. She is creative. A very traditional homemaker who took so much pride in her home and in caring for her family. Cooking, baking, sewing, icing her wedding cakes. She loved details, I inherited this from her. She was very open-minded and ahead of her generation in many ways. She was the matriarch, a very strong woman. She kept everybody on an even keel, balanced us all. She is a deep person (like me), she takes things very much to heart (like me), she is serious (like me), she is very bright-minded and felt misunderstood. She is sensitive and intuitive. I am very like her but am equally my own woman. (She is very adamant about this!)
My Mom says she has worked on her Being so much on the other side, she has come a long way herself. She is studying the healing arts. I can see a parallel with my own journey and spiritual awakening. I have always felt that I was Divinely guided to start this journey, gently accompanied and influenced by my Mom ~ as I always was ~ just now from another dimension. I have had angels on Earth guiding and supporting me and an angel watching over me in the ether. She gave me a healing tip... Lisa asks: 'Do you have a blue glass?' I do! I have a set of blue glasses with gold stars that my sister gave me when I moved into my home. Mom says take this glass and fill it halfway with mineral water, set it down on a sunny spot, so the sun can infuse the water with blue light. You can add a washed crystal to the water if you like. Drink this water once a day for about one or two weeks. It has anti-inflammatory properties. Wow! Needless to say, I have been doing my daily blue glass/water ritual. I call it my 'angel water'. Sometimes my cat takes a few sips of angel water while it is infusing! I am happy to share the magic.
My Mom is happy now, so happy. She wants me to know that she LOVED her life. If she had to do everything over again, she would keep everything exactly as it was, the cancer, everything. She values it all. She has perspective now. She says this time we have together on Earth is so precious, these moments of true human connection are treasures for us to keep. You miss those treasures when you are on the other side. She says she was loved deeply and was deeply loved, that she is grateful for this. It was all meant to be just as it was, as it IS. She says her death enabled me to move ahead with my life in my own way ~ now you are your own woman. I knew you would be just fine. She says she knows that our close bond stifled my development. (I became too dependent on her emotionally, I never developed the need to look outside of our mother-daughter relationship for nurturing and didn't learn self-nurturance, in part from her example of self-sacrifice and depletion. She was my primary relationship. I am still learning what it is to trust my own heart and to open myself up to others.) She acknowledges this smothering. She says I was that for her too ~ you were also MY escape from facing certain things. I know that I lived my life through my kids, I felt that if I could raise you well, then my life meant something, through you my life had purpose and meaning. But all is as it was meant to be. You were a gift to me, our time together was a wonderful gift. Remember our bond is eternal, for eternity, it exceeds time and space.
I see you all the time. I peek in at random times, then slip away, so as not to interfere. When you call me and can feel me around you, I am there. I hear you when you talk to me, most of the time. (MOST of the time? Laughs! Are you so busy over there, Mom?) I'm busy over here, it's wonderful. I see you in your dreams very strongly. When I died, the shock and grief was all yours. For us it's as before, I stayed around. We can see you and be near you whenever we feel like it, for you it's different, you miss me and feel the pain of loss but I'll always see you in your dreams. I am still here for you. (I miss you, Mom.) I know, I miss you too.
Lisa asks: 'Does she tickle your toes?' (When I was little! She would do it now if she could!) My sweet Mom was a toucher, a hugger. I miss that. Ah, Mama!
She knows my guilt about our very last conversation. In my fear and turmoil, not saying the three words I wanted and needed so much to say. She also says she was a witness to Lisa and my discussion prior to the session and knows it has weighed very heavily on my heart. (I know now that I did all I could do with the capacity I had then and I accept this.) She says THAT is the absolute last thing you should be worrying about! It's your overly active need for being responsible for everything! (You know me so well.) I know beyond words that you loved me. It's time to move on.
She says she loves that I framed the note she wrote to me ~ that's what it's for, to reassure you! Read it as often as you need to.
She says get a flower box! You need it. (Do you mean the box with embroidered flowers on the lid that I keep my daily affirmation cards in?) No! A real flower box, like a window box... I have been planning to plant a flower box for outside my front door for the longest while. How could she know? (She knows, of course she knows.) She says I need more flowers around me. Surrounding yourself with flowers will bring you so much joy, just like flowers brought me joy. Lisa asks if she had an indoor garden? Yes! She had a rockery filled with potted plants and African violets. She loved them. I know this message has deeper meaning... A few years ago, I used to buy roses for myself every few weeks, my home was always filled with flowers. Then when I chose to down-size and simplify my life (through the recession), I really only bought a bouquet of flowers on my Mom's birthday, the anniversary of her death and most recently, for my own birthday. I know that she wants me to buy myself flowers all the time, not just in honour of her, but in honour of me. This is so like her.
She shows Lisa a beautiful vision of me turning an old key in a lock of a large, heavy door. I push the door open into a big, spacious room, immaculate with white-washed walls and shiny wooden floors, a wall of windows which reveal a green wall of ivy. Sunlight streaming in and a grand piano in the centre of the room. Lisa says this may be my next home or it could be symbolic of entering a new stage in my life. A beautiful, clear space of light, love, music, harmony and abundance.
She shows Lisa us painting. Very detailed paintings. When I worked as an illustrator and still lived at home, a few years before she was diagnosed, we would spend every day sitting together at the dining room table and she would keep me company while I did my paintings. I illustrated artwork for greeting cards and gift wrap ~ very detailed, intricate designs. (She loved them and would show everybody!) I would let her add a few brush strokes. We would have tea and listen to the radio together and talk and talk. I think her mentioning detailed paintings is a reference to this special time.
She shows Lisa a baby. It is unclear whether it's for me or my sister (for both of us?) She says there will be a baby in a while (In a while, Mom? What is a while? Laughs...) 3-4 years, remember time is very different here to your perception of time. My Mom says she is so glad to see that these days we have so much freedom and it is accepted to live outside of old norms. I support your decisions to make your own way in the world, to write your own story, live your way, do what makes you happy, she says. I want you to just be happy. (I have always felt inclined to follow a non-traditional life path. I don't believe that marriage ~ or a heterosexual partnership ~ is a prerequisite to having a child. I believe that love is love and you can create your own family and/or be perfectly whole, content and fulfilled without one, if that is your choice... My question marks about these decisions for myself are something I wrestle with on this journey. My Mom was letting me know that she sees this and supports me regardless of the outcome.) I love this.
Lisa asks if I have any questions for my Mom? (Questions?! I didn't know I could ask questions! I have about a million...!!) In the moment I just asked the two most immediate and authentic ones: When you died, was it painful, or was it peaceful, were you welcomed and did you see your Dad? The answer ~ 'My darling, at that stage, there is no such thing as pain, there is only LOVE and FORGIVENESS.' Another question: Are you okay? The answer ~ 'I am so, so much more than okay!' (Floods, and I mean floods of tears...)
When it naturally became time to 'sign-off' and leave my Mom 'for now' or 'until the next time', she was so light and breezy about visiting again. I'll be here, see you next time...! Bye for now! I felt no clinging, no fear, no second death, just a peace that came over me, an angelic presence. This is not the end, there are no endings, there never were.
The physical and emotional effects of this work are amazing. After the session I felt tired, totally and utterly worn out, drained, as if I was waking up from an anesthetic. Then I felt high as a kite, happy, walking on air and non-belief, I felt bewildered. Then that evening I completely crashed, I felt an overwhelming sadness, I grieved intensely, I cried for two days. After that I felt lighter, freer and peaceful. Above all, I feel a deep sense of REASSURANCE. That death can be beautiful, the greatest adventure our Creator has planned for us. That there is nothing to be afraid of. That my Mom is okay and still very much with me. She is happy and wants me to be! Three weeks later I still have moments of all these sensations and emotions. Writing this post brought it all back. I simply couldn't 'publish' until I had processed this enough to do so. Processes are like that, they take time. I will continue this healing work with Lisa, at a pace that works for me.
My love and gratitude to Lisa for creating a space for this intense and personal work that is so accepting, loving, sacred, safe and nurturing. Thank you for working with me, for being a witness to the bursting dam of my grief, sprinkled with unexpected laughter through my tears and the spectacular unfolding of my healing heart.
A final note: When I arrived home after this ground-breaking, heart-breaking day of elation, my cat responded very weirdly to me entering my house. She ran away from me, wide-eyed and skittish (SO not like her, she loves, loves, loves me!) My sister says perhaps my guides were still very evident around me and Pistachio was wondering who all these strange Beings were with me. Who is this crowd? Lisa says it is because my energy had shifted and she picked it up. A clever girl! What an energy-shifting, consciousness-awakening, soul-stirring experience through and through. I'm so, so grateful.