Friday, March 11, 2011

Things Change


A certain situation has shifted this week. I have become aware that I am seeking nurturance outside of myself, a mother figure, a sisterhood. I opened up and wanted to be welcomed into a loving, healing embrace and be cherished. I am looking for a meaningful connection. Someone I can trust with my pain. I want people to pay their respects, to respect my grief. To make space for me. To be interested. I see that I am looking to be soothed when I really need to soothe myself. Am I just searching for sympathy? Asking too much? Do I just want attention? Or do I simply want to be loved? Am I looking in the wrong places? Why do I continue to look outside myself for love and acceptance? Do my internal deficits make me look elsewhere? My pain says: 'I don't want to know you, you are not worth knowing. You are a nuisance, go away. You are not worth my time. Your pain is not as important as you think it is. You are a burden.' This is how it felt. Sometimes a subtle sigh or tone of voice or silence from someone can change things for me. I am so, so sensitive. I used to see my sensitivity as a weakness and would guard against the hurt I would feel by hurting others, by being abrasive or withdrawing or withholding love, punishing. I now see my sensitivity as a beautiful thing, a feminine thing, my delicate inner barometer of self-care. As the layers of my old self dissolve, I am left more sensitive than ever. I am available and emotional and tender. All signs of growth. I am attempting to rise above this situation and accept it as all part of the winds of change. Another layer to move through, grow through and learn from. Every moment of this journey is an evolution. Things change. It does disappoint me though, right to my core. Let these tears heal me and let me move on. I make space for me, I am here for me.

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