Friday, June 1, 2012
A Thousand Miaows ~ A Million Tears
Pistachio Wenger ~ 5 August 2004 – 10 March 2012.
'Grief is a tonic, a healing elixir made of tears that lubricates the heart. Grief is the proof of our love, the demonstration of how deeply we have allowed another to touch us.' ~ Anonymous
I'm only now ready to write. It's taken a while to get myself together enough to return to my beautiful blog. So, here I am...
On 10 March 2012 my life changed forever. After an extremely sudden and serious illness, my precious angel cat ~ Pistachio, the absolute love of my life: my child, my companion, my confidant, a true angel in my life ~ went to the angels. This cat was not a cat to me, she was everything to me, EVERYTHING. This experience, this utterly unexpected, dramatic and overwhelming life change, in all it's beauty and all it's cruelty, completely derailed me. This broke me in two ~ broke my heart and my soul. I've cried a million tears.
It all happened so, so quickly. Within a week, she was here and then she was gone. I couldn't and wouldn't let my baby suffer, not for one more hour. It was my sacred pledge to her and somehow I found the strength to do the unspeakable. What an utterly impossible and agonising, devastating choice to make. To give up the very thing that grounded me so beautifully and made me feel safe and loved everyday. I NEEDED her in my life. But I heard her soul's plea, I recognised that her time had come and I knew the angels were ready for her. The moment still haunts me but it was a gentle release. And it was a pure act of love to let her go. I saved her from suffering, my final gift to my precious girl. We cherish our beloved little ones while they are journeying with us in the physical plane, we support them as they leave us and after they transition, we cherish them still... I believe they walk with us for eternity and the love we share with them and they with us, never dies.
How to face the depth of this pain though? To fully accept what has happened, how my life is so suddenly and unexpectedly so different, how to adapt to this loss and find the gift in it? With grace, patience and awareness, lots of support, extreme self-care and LOVE, lots of love. I have a little wooden box with her name on it that contains her ashes and pink collar. If I hold the little packet filled with grey ash in the palm of my hand, I can't believe she's so light and that our time together is over. How can this be all I have left of her here with me? Step by step, hour by hour, I'm creating a new 'normal' and coming to terms with the huge space losing her has left in my life. Already I've come so far. This is a heartbreaking time for me, there is a huge hole in my heart and my home. Such emptiness. I'm moving through this grief, I cannot go under it, or over it, I must go through it. Here's what I call my four A's: I move from acknowledgment of this reality and a softening of the shock and trauma, through a stage of allowing all the authentic emotions to flow forth, towards acceptance of what IS, until finally I can feel appreciation of this journey, however challenging. I believe that all our choices and experiences are ultimately for our Highest Good, they are opportunities for growth and spiritual development, it's how our souls evolve. There is a perfect Divine Intelligence at work in all our lives. I honour and trust that. ALL is meant to BE, even this. Thank you angels, for granting me the strength to move forward and the courage to lift myself up and return to Life, to rebirth myself, however painful. Blessings to all Beings who have chosen to walk this path of overcoming and becoming More.
Pistachio is absolutely irreplaceable. What a beauty! She truly was an extraordinary and perfectly vocal little silver tigress! She had a thousand different miaows, would literally talk to me and I know that I completely humanised her. We had a secret language of our own and we had our special daily and nightly routine. All purrfect. I have an overflowing memory bank of cute kitty-moments to draw on, at first they crushed me, now they warm my heart. I plan to write a tribute and record some of the most memorable ones, all in good time. As soon as I've healed, it feels right and I'm ready, I will be adopting new kitty children, definitely! She was a rescue cat from the SPCA, a miracle in itself that she chose me that day… precious little monkey-child! I've sent an invitation out into the Universe to my future kitty children. Those precious Beings are on their way to me. I know I will always share this life with cat-children.
This is quite a journey of the heart! This heartbreaking experience is definitely a heart-expanding process, my heart is stronger and bigger than ever before, part of her gift to me. I know now without a shadow of a doubt that I am a brilliant mother. This is also an opportunity to fully make peace with my unresolved grief over the loss of my Mom, which has been activated through this experience. It's a bizarre duality: I am the mother grieving the loss of a child and simultaneously I am a child grieving the loss of a mother. Both are intricately linked. I've felt stuck in my life for so long, this is my unsticking. It's hard to accept, but this is it. I'm now making space for new love, in whatever form it takes ~ a whole new beginning. Let what needs to go, go and what needs to come, come. All will be well.
Thank you my Mama and Pistache for all the beautiful messages from Spirit that I receive each day (all the cat shadows, dream-visits, angel voices, butterflies, faeries and feathers and the strands of kitty-fur I keep finding), these gifts reassure me, as I heal body and soul. (A strong mind/body connection is at work in my life as I succumbed to physical illness one week after she left me and I'm now working through the remnants of quite serious imbalances in my own body; choosing to heal my body at the same time as healing emotionally). I know you watch over me and I know that I am Divinely guided and protected always. The two of you head up my guardian angels now! I know that I am surrounded by Love.
Oh, my Bear-of-Love!... I miss, miss, miss you, my precious love-child, I miss you with every part of my Being. I'm so sorry this happened to you and that it was painful. I'm so, so sorry, my Bear. I'm sorry that I was the one who had to choose to let you go, when ALL I wanted was to let you stay with me. Please forgive me? There's no pain where you are now, there's only Love. You are my Spirit Cat now! You were such a gift in my life. Your angel energy surrounds me and you are always with me. We only had a short 7.5 years together, yet our journey was complete, the work you came here to do is done. You fly free in the Ether now and you have found a new sun-spot in the Beyond! Rest in peace now my beautiful little girl. Thank you for being the perfect cat for me, my Tachie-Bear. I'm so grateful for you. You healed me. You are in my heart forever. I miss you and I love you so, so much. ♥