Friday, June 29, 2012
Loving this awakening that's happening within me right now. Finally a time of expansion for me! I feel connected to myself in ways that I never have before. Beautiful new stirrings, little sparks of confidence and a new connection that totally surprised me, just when I wasn't looking for it. Losing my child broke my heart wide open and however unwillingly, I had to make space in my heart and my life to invite something else in. This new experience helps me to make sense of the direction my life has taken lately, helps me to heal. I'm seeing that I can stretch myself, push myself, learn how to drop my prejudices and accept another exactly as they are, OPENING myself to possibilities at last... and LET GO... all surprising to me. My capacity to feel is growing and for the first time I want to share my heart, truly share all of it, all of the real ME. I want to feel even more. I hold myself through this whole experience, regardless of the outcome. I'm loving this feeling and am grateful, grateful for this unexpected gift. Thank you, Universe. :)
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
'If you want to feel more free, surrender to the perfect unfolding of the Universe, even if you don't have a clue how things are going to turn out and you desperately want to know. Release your claws from your need for certainty and relish the sweet surrender.' ~ Kate Northrup
Friday, June 22, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
I absolutely love, love, love Kris Carr! She is the New York Times best-selling author and 'wellness warrior', a beyond courageous cancer survivor who documented her healing journey in her documentary film Crazy Sexy Cancer. What an inspiration! I'm currently getting into more in-depth research about (and surrounding myself with) inspiration about conscious, simple, clean and healthy living ~ especially concerning the power of our nutritional choices. Besides our thoughts and feelings, what we consume is our greatest tool for healing. Bread really does become blood, our cells become exactly what we eat. Food IS medicine... our most powerful healer, naturally assisting the body to heal itself, my goal is to be 100% drug and chemical-free. Watch this space! x
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Yesterday was 3 months since my baby went to the angels. Feels like a strange combination of forever and only yesterday. Lots of shifts happening for me and a definite softening of the loss and emptiness as I heal my heart and my body, with each breath affirming perfect health, peace and joy in my life. I've come so far in 3 short months and am so, so grateful. Thank you my Mama, my Tachie-Bear and all of my heavenly and earthly angels who help me everyday to lift myself up. I am healing perfectly and completely... and so it is! xxx
Monday, June 4, 2012
A beautiful analogy brought to light by my amazingly insightful psychologist... (Thank you Universe for bringing me Maryna!) This time in my life, with the transition of my precious child Pistachio and the enormous grieving process I'm currently facing and working through, is really a 'pruning' of what needed to leave my life in order for me to move forward. The cut was deep and violent and traumatic, my branches cut back until I no longer resemble my former self. It felt like SO much shocking, unwanted and unexpected change was thrust upon me SO quickly. A total life change of the most cruel kind. As I gain clarity, now I see that this process, this pruning was necessary for my evolution ~ it was my time for Life to cut back, remove and clear old patterns, to make space (literally!) so that new life can manifest, new beginnings can bloom. My trunk needed to be hollowed out to make a drum, so that music can be born. At this time of massive transformation and adjustment, of EVERY aspect of my life, this realisation helps me make peace with the emptiness that exists now that my angel is no longer with me in the physical domain. It gives me an answer to my 'Why, why? Why this baby, why now? Why me?' I cling now to the promise of a whole new beginning in my life. Really we are always in a state of change, we are always safe. I can choose peace, I can choose a new chapter. I can choose to find a way out of this grief and depression and blossom again. I already am.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Pistachio Wenger ~ 5 August 2004 – 10 March 2012.
'Grief is a tonic, a healing elixir made of tears that lubricates the heart. Grief is the proof of our love, the demonstration of how deeply we have allowed another to touch us.' ~ Anonymous
I'm only now ready to write. It's taken a while to get myself together enough to return to my beautiful blog. So, here I am...
On 10 March 2012 my life changed forever. After an extremely sudden and serious illness, my precious angel cat ~ Pistachio, the absolute love of my life: my child, my companion, my confidant, a true angel in my life ~ went to the angels. This cat was not a cat to me, she was everything to me, EVERYTHING. This experience, this utterly unexpected, dramatic and overwhelming life change, in all it's beauty and all it's cruelty, completely derailed me. This broke me in two ~ broke my heart and my soul. I've cried a million tears.
It all happened so, so quickly. Within a week, she was here and then she was gone. I couldn't and wouldn't let my baby suffer, not for one more hour. It was my sacred pledge to her and somehow I found the strength to do the unspeakable. What an utterly impossible and agonising, devastating choice to make. To give up the very thing that grounded me so beautifully and made me feel safe and loved everyday. I NEEDED her in my life. But I heard her soul's plea, I recognised that her time had come and I knew the angels were ready for her. The moment still haunts me but it was a gentle release. And it was a pure act of love to let her go. I saved her from suffering, my final gift to my precious girl. We cherish our beloved little ones while they are journeying with us in the physical plane, we support them as they leave us and after they transition, we cherish them still... I believe they walk with us for eternity and the love we share with them and they with us, never dies.
How to face the depth of this pain though? To fully accept what has happened, how my life is so suddenly and unexpectedly so different, how to adapt to this loss and find the gift in it? With grace, patience and awareness, lots of support, extreme self-care and LOVE, lots of love. I have a little wooden box with her name on it that contains her ashes and pink collar. If I hold the little packet filled with grey ash in the palm of my hand, I can't believe she's so light and that our time together is over. How can this be all I have left of her here with me? Step by step, hour by hour, I'm creating a new 'normal' and coming to terms with the huge space losing her has left in my life. Already I've come so far. This is a heartbreaking time for me, there is a huge hole in my heart and my home. Such emptiness. I'm moving through this grief, I cannot go under it, or over it, I must go through it. Here's what I call my four A's: I move from acknowledgment of this reality and a softening of the shock and trauma, through a stage of allowing all the authentic emotions to flow forth, towards acceptance of what IS, until finally I can feel appreciation of this journey, however challenging. I believe that all our choices and experiences are ultimately for our Highest Good, they are opportunities for growth and spiritual development, it's how our souls evolve. There is a perfect Divine Intelligence at work in all our lives. I honour and trust that. ALL is meant to BE, even this. Thank you angels, for granting me the strength to move forward and the courage to lift myself up and return to Life, to rebirth myself, however painful. Blessings to all Beings who have chosen to walk this path of overcoming and becoming More.
Pistachio is absolutely irreplaceable. What a beauty! She truly was an extraordinary and perfectly vocal little silver tigress! She had a thousand different miaows, would literally talk to me and I know that I completely humanised her. We had a secret language of our own and we had our special daily and nightly routine. All purrfect. I have an overflowing memory bank of cute kitty-moments to draw on, at first they crushed me, now they warm my heart. I plan to write a tribute and record some of the most memorable ones, all in good time. As soon as I've healed, it feels right and I'm ready, I will be adopting new kitty children, definitely! She was a rescue cat from the SPCA, a miracle in itself that she chose me that day… precious little monkey-child! I've sent an invitation out into the Universe to my future kitty children. Those precious Beings are on their way to me. I know I will always share this life with cat-children.
This is quite a journey of the heart! This heartbreaking experience is definitely a heart-expanding process, my heart is stronger and bigger than ever before, part of her gift to me. I know now without a shadow of a doubt that I am a brilliant mother. This is also an opportunity to fully make peace with my unresolved grief over the loss of my Mom, which has been activated through this experience. It's a bizarre duality: I am the mother grieving the loss of a child and simultaneously I am a child grieving the loss of a mother. Both are intricately linked. I've felt stuck in my life for so long, this is my unsticking. It's hard to accept, but this is it. I'm now making space for new love, in whatever form it takes ~ a whole new beginning. Let what needs to go, go and what needs to come, come. All will be well.
Thank you my Mama and Pistache for all the beautiful messages from Spirit that I receive each day (all the cat shadows, dream-visits, angel voices, butterflies, faeries and feathers and the strands of kitty-fur I keep finding), these gifts reassure me, as I heal body and soul. (A strong mind/body connection is at work in my life as I succumbed to physical illness one week after she left me and I'm now working through the remnants of quite serious imbalances in my own body; choosing to heal my body at the same time as healing emotionally). I know you watch over me and I know that I am Divinely guided and protected always. The two of you head up my guardian angels now! I know that I am surrounded by Love.
Oh, my Bear-of-Love!... I miss, miss, miss you, my precious love-child, I miss you with every part of my Being. I'm so sorry this happened to you and that it was painful. I'm so, so sorry, my Bear. I'm sorry that I was the one who had to choose to let you go, when ALL I wanted was to let you stay with me. Please forgive me? There's no pain where you are now, there's only Love. You are my Spirit Cat now! You were such a gift in my life. Your angel energy surrounds me and you are always with me. We only had a short 7.5 years together, yet our journey was complete, the work you came here to do is done. You fly free in the Ether now and you have found a new sun-spot in the Beyond! Rest in peace now my beautiful little girl. Thank you for being the perfect cat for me, my Tachie-Bear. I'm so grateful for you. You healed me. You are in my heart forever. I miss you and I love you so, so much. ♥